Healing the Past to Free the Future

Recognizing the Patterns I Inherited

I didn’t know that we could inherit the pain and hurt from our ancestors. I knew we could repeat patterns, adopt our family’s beliefs, and be shaped by our environment, but I didn’t know we could carry their wounds and burdens in our bodies and energetic fields—subtle imprints that shape how we feel and respond to life—and that those unspoken, unseen wounds could directly impact our health and lives.

Perhaps, like me, this idea is new to you. If it sounds unfamiliar or too “out there,” this piece is for you. And if you already know this, I hope it serves as a reminder, a refresher, or perhaps offers a new perspective.

For me, it all started with a series of headaches on the right side of my head. They were intense, and nothing I did relieved the pain or discomfort. These headaches felt different; I remember telling a friend they felt like stuck energy that was ready to be released. She referred me to an intuitive reader, and I booked a session.

During the session, he was able to see and feel “a love that weighs”—in his own words—meaning a kind of love so entangled with pain that it had become a burden. Through some inquiry and inner searching, we were able to attribute this weight to my father’s pain.

My father became depressed when I was around nine years old. I unconsciously took it upon myself to “save him” by carrying his pain. This didn’t help him, and it certainly didn’t help me. Ultimately, I wasn’t able to “save him,” which added the extra weight of failure to the already heavy load I was carrying.

I learned that this is not uncommon—that children often carry their parents’ or relatives’ pain, and that this can take many forms. In my case, I emotionally merged with my father and carried his pain as if it were my own.

I was referred to the work of Mark Wolynn, author of It Didn’t Start with You and a leading expert in the field of Inherited Family Trauma. I was fascinated by the many examples he shares in the book, by the different ways we all carry our legacy burdens, by the science that backs this knowledge, and most of all, I was inspired to heal—by releasing the weight of those burdens and creating what he calls “positive experiences”—inner healing somatic visualizations that help rewire the brain and integrate and heal trauma.

Guided by this knowledge, I went into my inner world and told my father—in a way that felt safe —that I had tried to help him by carrying his pain, but that this pain was not mine. It belonged to him, and I returned it—not with blame, but with compassion, knowing it was never mine to hold.

I had one final intense headache during a sound bath experience the next day. Since then, they haven’t returned. The energy that needed to be freed was released. The trauma had been integrated.

Following that release, I’ve started the process of caring for and unburdening the parts of me that were carrying those painful memories and my dad’s pain, and I’ve learned how to hold space for others to do the same—giving meaning to my wounds and to the pain my family and I went through.

I see this as part of my life’s work and purpose. I’ve made peace with those harsh teenage years and my father’s depression and absence. I know they were there to prepare me and guide me to do the work I’m doing—and am so passionate about.

It is my intention to bring awareness to this topic and help normalize the taboo around family trauma. There’s no way a blog piece can cover everything there is to know about Inherited Family Trauma—it takes a lifetime to study and understand this phenomenon, as Mark Wolynn can attest to. 

However, I want to share a part of his work and shed light on the many ways trauma can be passed down and live on through generations—and more importantly and reassuringly, how we can break the cycle of trauma by uncovering it, creating positive experiences where there were wounds, making peace with our past, and integrating these positive experiences into our lives. Ultimately, we clear the slate for future generations, which I believe is part of our path of evolution and growth, and our purpose as humans.

How Trauma Moves Through Generations

According to Mark Wolynn, there are four unconscious themes that interrupt the flow of life—four ways in which inherited trauma can manifest:

• We merge with a parent

• We reject a parent

• There is a rupture or interruption in the bond between mother and child

• We identify with someone other than our parents in our family system

Merging with a Parent

There are four ways in which we can merge with a parent:

• “I’ll follow you”

• “I’ll share it with you”

• “I’ll do it in your place”

• “I’ll atone for you”

“I’ll follow you”

 This means that you unconsciously follow in your mother or father's footsteps and repeat their behavior or actions—even if it is something shameful, wrong, or especially if it is something you reject. It can also mean you follow and repeat their failures and mistakes, and even manifest the same health conditions or unfortunate fates.

For instance:

• Your mother or father had an affair, and you repeat the same steps—even though you know how much that hurt your family.

• Your father’s business failed and he went bankrupt, and you unconsciously sabotage your own success or go broke around the same age.

• Your mother got sick and passed away, and you start having health issues, or losing your vitality or willingness to live, around the same age your mother got sick or passed away.

• You’ve always felt like you did something wrong—or will—and you don’t know where that feeling comes from. It may be that you merged with a parent (or identified with someone in your family system), and you unconsciously believe you will follow their fate and do the same things they did.

  
  

For good or for bad, you follow their steps—and if this doesn’t get resolved or uncovered, your children might follow yours.

“I’ll share it with you”

You share your mother or father’s pain and struggles. You take care of your mother or father, rather than being cared for—as would be natural. You feel inundated by their emotions.

As I shared earlier, this is what happened to me. I “shared” my father’s depression with him and carried his pain for many years without even realizing it.

Some ways in which this can manifest are:

• You feel like you are the parent; you love your mother or father but see them as fragile and vulnerable, and firmly believe it is your responsibility to take care of them. This does not refer to situations where a parent is physically ill and in genuine need of care.This is more at an emotional or energetic level. This type of caring creates codependent and enabling behaviors and situations.

• You can’t separate your mother’s or father’s feelings from your own. You don’t know where theirs end and yours begin.

• You can’t establish healthy boundaries, and your mother or father consciously or unconsciously takes advantage of this.

  
  

Some good questions to ask ourselves are: 

Is this pain my pain?

Is this truly what I believe?

Do I feel inundated by my mother or father?

Am I giving up aspects of my life to care for their emotional needs?

If you are a parent, ask yourself:

Is my child taking care of my emotions?

Do I feel dependent on my child? 

Who is taking care of whom in this relationship?

“I’ll do it in your place”

This dynamic plays out when a child unconsciously takes on the unfinished tasks, roles, or responsibilities of a parent or ancestor. The underlying message is: “You were supposed to do this, but you didn’t—so I will.”

Unlike atonement, which is driven by unconscious guilt and a need to pay for our parents' errors, this pattern is fueled by the need to carry out something that was never completed. The child steps into the parent’s shoes, sometimes quite literally, trying to succeed where the parent couldn’t.

For example, a woman might feel a strong drive to pursue a career her mother once dreamed of but abandoned due to societal expectations or family obligations. Without realizing it, the daughter is trying to fulfill her mother’s unlived potential. Or a son might feel compelled to take care of his younger siblings emotionally or financially, stepping into the role of “parent” if his own father was absent or emotionally unavailable.

This merging may bring temporary meaning or a sense of loyalty, but it often comes at the cost of the child’s own clarity, vitality, or life path. What’s being lived is not fully theirs. The healing comes in acknowledging, with love: “This was yours, not mine. I honor your journey and allow myself to live mine.”

“I’ll atone for you”

You pay for your mother’s or father’s past mistakes, abuse, or even crimes. You may unconsciously sabotage your success or block yourself from receiving what would otherwise flow to you naturally. You might find yourself in situations where you suffer a fate similar to that of the victim(s) of one of your parent’s wrongdoings.

Your mother had an affair; you attract a partner who cheats on you.

Your father committed fraud and got away with it; you become a victim of fraud. Or you are wrongfully accused of a crime and end up suffering the legal consequences your father somehow escaped.

Merging with a parent can happen when:

• We reject our mother or father and end up following their steps or paying for their mistakes.

• We love our mother or father so deeply that this becomes our unconscious way of staying connected with them. We can’t separate from them.

Unwinding Merged Dynamics with a Parent

To break this type of entanglement, we first need to see why it happened.

Did I reject my parent(s) and then “become them” or follow their steps? Or do I love my mother or father so much that this is my unconscious way of staying connected with them?

If it’s the latter, the most healing thing we can do is to set boundaries—creating a positive inner experience in which we symbolically place an energetic boundary between ourselves and the parent we merged with, leaving outside of it whatever doesn’t belong to us. We compassionately give it back to them, where it belongs, and ask for their blessing to live our lives fully.

After doing enough inner work and creating these kinds of positive experiences internally—and if it feels appropriate or necessary—you can also set boundaries in real life between yourself and the parent you’ve merged with.*

Please continue reading if you suspect your entanglement occurred because you rejected your parent(s).

Rejecting a Parent

When we reject a parent, we disown the aspects within ourselves that we reject in them—often by unconsciously behaving like them. We may attract people who treat us the same way our parent(s) did, or we end up doing to ourselves the very thing we believe was done to us.

“What we resist, persists.” This can clearly be seen in our relationships.

Common examples of this are:

• Addictions, such as becoming the alcoholic we resented in a parent. 

• Repeating relationship dynamics, such as “marrying” our mother or father by engaging with a partner who embodies all the qualities we rejected in them. 

• Harsh inner dialogue, where we become our own inner critic, imitating the tone and words our mother or father used to criticize us—whether in childhood or as adults.

Healing a Rejection

To heal and release these patterns, we must become willing to receive the love our parents were able to give us—in their imperfect way. This means accepting and making peace with the past and with who our parents are or were.

This is not an easy task. It takes courage, openness, and both inner and outer work. But the alternative is to perpetuate the cycle: to become the parent we rejected, to recreate the same relational struggles, or to treat ourselves the way our parents did. These patterns can then be passed on to our children, grandchildren, or—if we don’t have children—still ripple out into our wider family system.

The more we reject a parent, the more we suffer.

Healing our relationship with our parents begins within—and often, that alone is enough.

Break in The Bond Between Mother and Child 

Many of us, to varying degrees, have experienced a break in the early bond with our mothers—whether due to physical separation, emotional unavailability, stress, or life circumstances beyond anyone’s control. These early disruptions in connection can shape how we relate to others, receive love, manifest abundance, enjoy life, and feel supported by the world around us.

Because young children are naturally egocentric, they often internalize these moments as proof that they are not enough or lovable, not understanding the real reasons behind a mother’s absence or struggle. This early adaptation, though rooted in survival, can carry into adulthood in the form of limiting beliefs or emotional patterns.

The good news is that these ruptures can be healed. Repair is always possible—within ourselves, and sometimes in relationship with our mothers—when we’re ready to look deeper into the context of their lives and ours, and to acknowledge that they gave what they could, even if that was simply the gift of life.

Identification with Other Family Members in Our System

One of the principles of IFT (Inherited Family Trauma) is that no one in the family system is excluded. If there is a wound, an unresolved pattern, or an untold story, trauma will find its way out—and it often does so by passing from one member of the system to another.

When we identify with someone in our family system—other than our mother or father—we can see similar dynamics arise as when we merge with or reject a parent. For example:

• Your grandfather exploited his employees, and you unconsciously identify with their suffering. You sabotage your financial success, believing on some level that you shouldn't do better than them. (Both victims and perpetrators are included in the family system.)

• Your grandmother was forced to give her child away, and you carry her pain. You feel like you are a “bad mother,” or struggle to connect with your baby, as if they might be taken from you too.

• There was an infant death in the family that no one ever speaks of, and you feel unseen, unheard—like you don’t exist—because you’ve unconsciously identified with the lost child.

• Someone in the family caused great shame—perhaps they committed a crime, struggled with addiction, left, or ended their life—and were rejected or excluded. You may merge with them, following in their footsteps or carrying their burdens, as if trying to bring them back into the system through your own life.

The Ancestral Clock

Another fascinating phenomenon of inherited family trauma is something known as the ancestral clock. This occurs when we begin to experience symptoms—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—around the same age that someone in our family system experienced a traumatic event. These symptoms can also be triggered by similar life circumstances.

For example: One of your parents may have died young, leaving their life unfinished. You might live a fulfilling, successful life—until, suddenly, something shifts. Around the same age your parent passed, you go through a symbolic death or interruption of life. You may become ill, have an accident, fall into depression, or unknowingly sabotage your life by leaving your family or developing an addiction. It’s as if your ancestral alarm has gone off, and your unconscious loyalty to your deceased parent is pulling you to follow in their footsteps.

It’s not always about age. Sometimes, it’s a triggering event that activates the trauma. For instance, your grandmother may have been forced to marry someone she didn’t love and lost her sense of freedom in the process. You unconsciously identify with her. Even though you love your fiancé, the moment you marry them, something shifts—you feel trapped, disconnected, and no longer attracted to them. In this case, the wedding is the trigger. Your subconscious is trying to protect you from repeating your grandmother’s fate, even though this dynamic had never shown up before in your relationship.

Trauma, pain, and shame pass on through generations with the purpose of being uncovered, integrated, healed, and released. What our families tried so hard to bury or leave in the past is exactly where we need to look in order to heal—and that healing begins the moment we are willing to look at the unconscious agreements we’ve made to stay loyal, to atone, or to remain connected within the family system.

The Science Behind IFT

Trauma changes us. It causes chemical shifts in our biology, even altering the way our genes function—sometimes for generations.

After a traumatic event, an epigenetic tag can attach to our DNA and signal a cell to activate or silence certain genes. This can influence our behavior and emotional responses, making us more sensitive or reactive to situations that resemble the original trauma. In essence, these changes are meant to better equip us to handle similar threats in the future. But they don’t stop with us—these adaptations can be passed down to our children and grandchildren, transmitting what appears to be a survival skillset.

For example, children or grandchildren of war veterans may inherit sharper reflexes or heightened alertness—traits that would have helped their ancestors survive in times of danger. However, they may also inherit their ancestors’ stress responses, remaining stuck in a state of hypervigilance, as if preparing for a catastrophic event that never comes.

There’s also a fascinating generational link that happens during pregnancy: when our grandmother is five months pregnant with our mother, the egg that will eventually become us is already developing inside our mother’s fetus. That means three generations share the same biological environment for a period of time. According to Dr. Bruce Lipton, a mother’s emotional states can be chemically communicated to the fetus through the placenta, biochemically influencing gene expression in the unborn child.

Trauma is not only passed down energetically—it lives within us. It becomes part of our biological and emotional blueprint.

The good news is that healing experiences can also be passed on. As Mark Wolynn teaches, by creating “inner positive experiences” through visualization and somatic practices, we can reshape our neural pathways. Remarkably, our brains don’t differentiate between a vividly imagined event and one that happened in real life. If an imagined experience feels meaningful—if we truly see it, hear it, and feel it—our brain registers it as a memory. This is why inner healing work is so powerful. It changes us from the inside out, and those changes can ripple forward through generations.

The Healing Path Forward

Even though any one of us can express behaviors or patterns influenced by unexamined dynamics in our family systems, these patterns can be both a burden and a blessing.

If we choose to, they can become a window into the hurts, injustices, and wrongdoings of the past—and we can give meaning to them.

We speak for those who didn’t have a voice. We make symbolic or direct repairs for those who were hurt within our family systems. We look beyond our parents’ or ancestors’ behaviors. We make peace with the past, healing ourselves and freeing those in our lineage from repeating the same patterns or sharing similar fates.

When we shed light on what has been hidden, we dissolve the shadows of our past. As Marianne Williamson says, “If you want to end darkness, you cannot beat it with a baseball bat—you have to turn on a light.”

Healing can take many forms, and there are countless approaches, techniques, and practices that can support us. One thing is true for all of them: healing begins with awareness. We must recognize that a wound exists in order to heal it—and we must be willing to.

For most of us, healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is cyclical, and there are many layers to it. But it is possible. I believe it is our responsibility to do this work so that our children and their children can live free, authentic lives and reach their full potential—ultimately helping to heal the world.

*If you want to learn more about creating healing, positive experiences, consider reading Mark Wolynn’s book “It Didn’t Start with You,” booking a free discovery call, or finding a mental health professional who can support you. Doing this work on your own is possible—but there are times when having someone hold space for you and help you see what you cannot see is not only essential, but also deeply nurturing and meaningful.